"Reasons to be cheerful, part three..." Ian Dury's whimsical list of life's little pleasures – "the juice of a carrot, the smile of a parrot, a little drop of claret" – feels like a necessary antidote to the sheer, unadulterated madness unfolding in global politics. Because, let's face it, we need something to cling to when the world seems to be spinning off its axis.
And speaking of axis-spinning, it hasn't taken long for the return of T-Rump to send shockwaves through the markets and international relations. The question isn't just how long this latest chapter will last, but how much damage will be done in the meantime. The man's fixation on a third term, a blatant disregard for the U.S. Constitution, is just the tip of the iceberg of his reality-bending agenda.

The first reality TV star to occupy the Oval Office continues to live up to his reputation as a self-obsessed fantasist, a master of theatrical pronouncements. Last week's tariff announcement was a prime example of his "bullshitter" persona in full swing. Frankly, it might be the single most absurd thing any of us will witness. And as the saying goes, you can't fix stupid!

What we're witnessing is the unsettling spectacle of an empire in decline, consumed by mania, paranoia, and baseless rage. Trump, standing before a small crowd, the Stars and Stripes draped like a tacky state fair backdrop, declared "liberation day." His speech, a rambling concoction of lies and delusions, painted a picture of America "looted, pillaged, raped, and plundered" by its allies and adversaries alike. I’ve got more history in my loft!

The sheer absurdity of his tariff calculations is enough to make your head spin. Apparently, his team devised a system where they divided the U.S. trade deficit with a country by that country's exports. So, for instance, a $17.9 billion trade deficit with Indonesia, divided by $28 billion in Indonesian exports, resulted in a 64% tariff. It's like trying to determine your annual budget by multiplying the socks in your laundry basket by your houseplants and dividing by the number of windows in your house. Utter gibberish.

The resulting tariff figures were equally nonsensical. He picked countries named as the “Dirty Fifteen” probably all those America had been great against in war like eh, Vietnam, who for example, was slapped with a supposed 90% tariff, and, oh yes, Japan who they Nuked into surrender with 46%, and even the UK, a supposed ally, got 10%. These figures, as anyone with a basic understanding of trade knows, are completely fabricated. Trump's misunderstanding of tariffs, conflating them with the total price paid at customs, reveals a profound ignorance of basic economic principles.

He conveniently ignores the World Trade Organisation's (WTO) "Most Favoured Nation" principle, which mandates equal treatment for all trading partners. His actions, driven by personal vendettas and a schoolyard bully mentality, threaten to destabilize the global economy To Make America Great - AGAIN! The UK and EU, for example, apply a 10% tariff to foreign-made cars from China and the US, because we don't have a trade deal with these countries. This is how the WTO works, and how up until last week it has kept the world economy stable.

So, while the world descends into a Trumpian fever dream, I'm taking a cue from Ian Dury. I'm counting the books on my shelves, subtracting the mugs in my cupboard, and multiplying by 0.5. Maybe it'll tell me when Trump leaves office, or maybe it'll just be the interest rate on my credit card in my own Awful April. Either way, "Reasons to be cheerful - one, two, three!"

POEM

Reasons to Be Fearful, Part 4?

Tomorrow we brace for "retribution day,"
Recession or succession lights the way.
Greenland, oh, oh, oh, "Greenland - no tariffs for you!"
Canada, "Oh Canada," a worried shade of blue?
Sing "Reasons to Be Fearful, Part 4" we might,
A forced grin we'll wear it, as Trump takes flight.
Donald, you're welcome to leave, we can spare your socks - Starmer's our cleaner, U.K. winds back its clocks
Too orange for true or liking, just nutty and a mischief-maker,
More tariffs galore, T-Rumpian border-shaker.
———————————————————————-

END “Refrain from Ian Dury”

The juice of the carrot, the smile of the parrot

A little drop of claret, anything that rocks

Elvis and Scotty, days when I ain't spotty

Sitting on the potty, curing small pox

[* Ian Dury is best known as the lead singer and lyricist of Ian Dury and the Blockheads, formed in 1977. The band gained a reputation as a top live act in the new wave scene, Ian contracted Polio at the age of seven and was known for his witty and intelligent lyrics, often incorporating cockney slang and wordplay.

 * Hit Songs: He had several hit singles, including "What a Waste," "Hit Me with Your Rhythm Stick" (which reached number one in the UK), and "Reasons to Be Cheerful, Part 3."

 * Albums: Notable albums include "New Boots and Panties!!" (1977), "Do It Yourself" (1979), and "Laughter" (1980) with his band “the Blockheads”. He was diagnosed with cancer in March 1996 and died at the age of 67 on March 27th 2000]