There are things in life, which test us. Without such tests, what would our brains do to survive?
As one gets older, the experiences mount up and bring out emotional episodes. This is, I think, why one cries when a sad song is played, or in a film moment or when a good book floods the emotional sphere.
Being of an age, where experiences have had there effect on me, has for me created a power to pay forward the experience by learning from it and processing "the how" you managed to live through such a test.
I will recount five such moments which my little sister calls 'sifting' and perhaps sharing these moments here in this blog, you might also be able to conjure something from my inspirations to help you with your own experiences. experiences of which I may have never met within my time on this earth. But whatever it is that tests or causes YOU to be demotivated or lose sleep - my advice is always talk about it with people you love and are close to.
Emotions can be a good thing, 'live love laugh' posters exist to tell you so. Happiness, loneliness, despair, well-being, welfare are all words which take a while to understand but are used frequently. Let me give you my examples of each of these from my own sifting reflections.
Happiness
It’s 1980, Maggie Thatcher, skinheads, Greenpeace, the Falklands, the hand of God.
My son is born in 1980. My emotions run high and I am happy. The joy of a birth and the relationship you have of starting a family. Outside of your bubble there is fear. In the streets, the National Front is on the rise and ethnic minorities are being targeted. Anarchy rules and war is coming as the decade brings forth an invasion to a British territory to which most people had never heard of. Some thinking the Falklands were somewhere off the Scottish coastline.
My emotions would be remembered in reading of the early Stephen King novels of which many film productions have since appeared in the cinematic sphere. The film for me, adjoining this detail would be “Stand By Me”. Its on that "bucket list" I was telling you about. Happiness comes from any coming of age story about friendship and sometimes a loss helps you face your own tests. The film captures the way life that can be perfect for just a moment before directions are changed. It encapsulates nostalgia. You recall your own past experiences of childhood adventures with your own friends. Sometimes a good cry can assist the definition of happiness and these kinds of stories are moments we can all relate to.
Loneliness
It’s 2005, my life has turned into a different direction. I decide to leave the services and get a job in what my navy lot call ‘civvy street’. My Dad is in a hospice, my mum is living in her bungalow and now also is on her own. My wife of long lasting marriage of 28 years has decided, that I don't feature in any future marital relationship and my leaving of the services is not for her and she decides and tells me that she no longer loves me. I have a brilliant new job and I put my whole effort into it. But I am experiencing, no work life balance. I feel alone.
There is a need to connect when you feel alone. Many of us probably feel this emotion even when experiencing happiness. Loneliness arrives with some kind of distress or discomfort and for me at this time it was all of the above coming at once. Christmas was bland , mum came to my flat and we ate together in my lonely living room. I had to sign a form giving permission to deal with my dad’s demise and the prognosis did not give him very long. I had desires for social connection and actual experiences of it. Even though when working I was surrounded by others throughout the day—my long-lasting marriage was ending —resulting in an experience of deep and pervasive loneliness.
In music I would listen to my collection. Compact Disks, were the media then. Perhaps my love of the works by 'The Beatles' gave me the resilience to get through this experience. I would look through some of my record collection and one day saw that on the 45 rpm record sleeve version was two songs the 'A' side being Yellow Submarine and the 'B' side Eleanor Rigby.
Listening, I wrapped myself in the 'lonely lyrics of the B side and then I'd flip it over (skip on a CD) - to the joyous refrain on the 'A" side - the refrain of that, “we all live” in that yellow submarine. Was it just a silly song meant for a late 1960s audience or did it actually get written by Paul and John to contrast the loneliness of Eleanor. It was my Gran’s middle name, there was I think a connection? I was doing good looking after my parents, my mum and dad. I was doing good by starting over in work. The losses were coming but I would survive. But as the water started to rise and attempt to smother me, I knew that I would survive because I was in my yellow submarine and I was safe.
Despair
It’s 2018, I worked hard in my job, I had won awards from management. My life was reasonably comfortable. I had mentored people who would have had no chance of moving forward from the job they were doing. I wrote and helped them with their CVs to apply for future employment with the company as they were contractors threatened with termination of their jobs. I had hired a young lady who was bright but going nowhere, she worked delivering the post from the mail-room and I needed to have someone help us in our department, I thought she would be a good mentoring subject and taught her my profession. I mentored another, not so bright colleague, we became friends and I trusted him enough to be the best man at my wedding, he got promoted with a ten thousand pound pay raise which I helped happen.
In 2018 and after seven years, receiving "In Grateful Appreciation for Dedicated Service", from the company. A new broom was brought in - a new manager for me and he made it his sole task to get rid of me from the get go. I was probably a great threat to his leadership. He knew nothing about my profession and he caused me to go through the emotion of stress and despair. He used the people around me to drum up a charge of bullying against me. Me, I thought, now considered to be a bully? He kept a low profile during the event which started around March of that year and it all ended in that May, when I was escorted from the building, in tears. He instigated the event and proceeded to use me until he was satisfied that he had achieved his goals.
Those that I hired and mentored stated horrible things about me. I know this because it gets sent to you to read when you are being hung drawn and quartered. The depression I felt over my lost job affected me deeply. I had been crucified by this company that I had led to success. I felt it was, in the end hopeless; to have no hope; to give up all hope or expectation. Loss of hope; utter hopelessness; complete despondency.
Reading fiction can help you feel more connected and can help people who may be dealing with depression or anxiety. It allows your imagination to become more engaged and you connect emotionally to characters and reflect your own feelings, problems and desires as you read. On so called 'garden leave', I escaped into books, Jack Reacher by Lee Child became my friend.
Well-Being
2019 – the news is scary there is a virus and it’s coming out of China. I am out of surgery and off work with stress. My current job is not satisfying and I have encountered a real bully in this new workplace – my boss. She decides that after bringing success to her and the company that I cannot write for toffee. She proceeds to put me on a 'pip'; that’s short for professional improvement programme. It’s 'zoom time' and I am being sidelined in the daily discussions. I feel that I am cursed to meet horrible people.
I realise that my health and wellness are the most important things in life. They impact how everything else happens and is received by you. I discovered that your body and mind are important in life’s events. I used my treadmill to get fit, lost some weight, bought inflatable "Pass the Pigs" and other garden games. I bought some Alexa Dots to get through the 'lockdown days', applauded the NHS on those Thursday evenings and aimed at helping all of those close to me - on our collective well-being to fight this pandemic. I found a new job which gave me hope and took my boss to the cleaners.
Welfare
When one looks at this subject, you might think of the 1945 creation of the "Welfare State" or you may have come across a "Welfare Officer; as we had in the Royal Navy. Of course there are people trained to help the society as seen above in the Social Support picture. But, how does one look after one's own welfare?
In defining it, you would find that welfare is the state of doing well especially in respect to good fortune, happiness, well-being, or prosperity - some of the things I have mentioned above. My advice would be, that you must look out for your own welfare. Secondly welfare considers the provision of aid in the form of money or necessities for those in need. and third agencies and programs through which such aid is distributed can help those whose welfare is in decline.
I am now in a better place. I have people who I trust around me. I've learned not to divulge too much about my own life, that people can use to hurt me. I have helped other people achieve, but now is the time, as I get older to look after me - and of course my significant others!
In short, welfare is about perspective, I think. The State helps those who need welfare and we support the state through our taxes so that hopefully we can give to charitable purposes as well. I don't advise comparing or rating yourself against your colleagues. Sure competition can be positive and motivating, but when you are comparing yourself to others, you're ignoring yourself.
Live for you, you may lose someone close to you who had a huge positive influence on your life and choose to honor them by "living for them". They may be dear friends. However, you do greater honor by 'living for yourself", while remembering them.
POEM
Inspired by 'Dear Friend' a song by Paul McCartney
My closest friends, I can count them - on one hand
They support when life is tough and jobs are bland
Do I really mean so much to you?
I'm not afraid, when I'm with you.
Dear friend, lets drink some wine
Jack and Daniel are friends of mine
I was truly, young when newly wed
Am I that fool, for trusting you?
Dear friend, I miss you now
Its been so long, since we took that bow
Let me reminisce of seasons old and new
I'm not afraid, I will be there for you.
Dear friend, lets do Joy
There is hope for you now my boy
Really truly, we'll grow old and see it through
Ignore all those fools, its just me and you.