As I write this session, it is the fourth month of this new year, 2023. Somewhere along the line of life's journey we have all been foolish in some way. Of course, the first of the month has origins of April Fools’ Day. So how did all this come about one wonders ?
One theory is that April Fools’ Day was purely the result of its timing at the end of winter and the coming of spring. This time of renewal and rebirth was marked with fun and jollity. In Roman times, such was celebrated in March with the wearing of disguises, rejoicing and merrymaking. This was called the season of “ Hilaria”; where we probably get the word hilarious from, as people could make fools of themselves and impersonate anyone they liked.
Another theory has April Fool’s Day originating in 16th century France, where the beginning of the New Year was originally observed on April 1st. That was changed after France adopted the Gregorian Calendar.
There is also a possibly that a connection exists to Nottinghamshire and all that Robin Hood legend. When an attempt by King John to take land for a hunting lodge was foiled by locals ‘playing the fool’, including by trying to drown fish…
Jokes were also told and they were regularly told in my day too- I don’t think, people can tell jokes much these days without ‘cancel culture’ having something to say about it.
Here is a joke I remember from those foolish days .
I sometimes think back over my life, more these days actually. I think of the things I have done well and achieved and the things I could have done better. I have played a few pranks too, and told naughty jokes, who hasn’t?
I think, I have also played the fool at times.
Passing out of HMS Ganges, in April 1976, I moved on to HMS Daedalus based in Lee-On-Solent.
Daedalus is, for those who don’t know, a figure from Greek mythology famous for his clever inventions and as the architect of the Minotaur's labyrinth on Crete. He is also the father of Icarus who flew too close to the sun on his artificial wings and so drowned in the Mediterranean.
Many shore establishments were originally actual ships that were hulked to become training or stores ships.
Shore establishments became known in the Service as 'Stone Frigates'. When further ships were added they took the parent ship name, for example, PEMBROKE trained the chefs and stewards at HMS Chatham in Kent.
Because the Naval Discipline Act used to apply to officers and men only when they were borne on the books of one of His/Her Majesty's Ships, all personnel were allocated to a nominal stone frigate when not actually serving in a seagoing warship.
I stayed in a few shore establishments including Royal Naval Air Stations during my twenty eight years served, for example, RNAS Culdrose and its parent ship HMS SEAHAWK are the same place, in Helston in Cornwall
With Air Stations, the parent ship name is frequently a bird and a suffix is used to indicate a satellite establishment at another location, e.g. I served at HMS HERON, RNAS Yeovilton between 2002 and 2004 and HMS Gannet, between 1997 and 1999 at Prestwick airport, in Scotland.
HMS Daedalus had previously been HMS Aerial and was commissioned 8th October 1942. It was the home of the Air Radio & Air Mechanics training establishment at Risley (also called Culcheth) in Warrington, Lancs. ARIEL moved to Worthy Down on the 1st July 1952, becoming the parent ship for RNAS Worthy Down which had previously been HMS KESTREL.
HMS ARIEL moved to Lee-on-Solent, Hants on the 31st October 1959, becoming the parent ship for those drafted to RNAS Lee-on-Solent and it was to be my home between March and June of 1976.
Walking through the gates of Daedalus, we were met by a sort of fool. A fool to himself. This person was a qualified Naval Air Mechanic, who was to be known throughout the Fleet Air Arm as NAM Plank.
Now, just like today, when you are called a Twonk, a Nob or something similar due to either your failings or just because somebody decides it’s their way of getting your attention - “Plank” was a nickname for someone who was an absolute disaster at their job, a dullard or a fool.
This lad had been what we called “out in the field” ; that is, passed out of training at HMS Daedalus; which, by the way, lasted 14 weeks; and therefore he was qualified to work on aircraft. So what was he doing on the gate at the Fleet Air Arm’s training establishment?
After completing training at Daedalus, this unfortunate lad was drafted to RNAS PORTLAND, which had been a “stone frigate" from 24 April 1959 -commissioned as HMS OSPREY. He had qualified to maintain and sign for his work on aircraft and it was there that he became infamous -as NAM Plank.
Phil was his actual name to his colleagues, but every one knew him as NAM PLANK. This was due to the foolish accident of leaving rags in the helicopter's engine intake, during his before flight inspection and just after qualifying to work on these helicopters. Calling someone by names, of course today, would be classed as emotional abuse. Calling someone by any derogatory name or nickname in the services culture was normal practice, I was regularly called "Buck" after the cowboy gunslinger in the TV Series "Gunsmoke". Anyone called Clarke was called "Nobby" after the Exeter City wing half and of that name and someone called "King would be nicknamed "Nosmo" . Times were different in the 1970s and 1980s.
Now, back to Phil.
Of course, he is was chastised for this foolish error and fined stoppage of leave and stoppage of pay and could have even been dismissed from the service. But, he was sent back to HMS Daedalus to man the main gate and boy was he good at that!
Standing there in his dress No.2 suit, with white gaiters and a white belt, polished buckles and buttons his right hand would go up in the air to anyone who would try and enter, no matter if he recognised them or not. Religiously, he would study the ID card of the entrant and report anyone who was even a minute late collecting their station card (a card issued to the younger members of the service at this establishment and that meant the person who owned the card, had a curfew time on their return from shore leave).
We all feared NAM Plank in those 14 weeks in which our training to learn about aircraft was to begin. We never learned his real name until sometime during the end of our course, he had been back-classed in every part of his training schedules, somehow not being dismissed or failed as if some guardian angel was protecting him from the inevitable dishonourable discharge.
I was to meet Phil again aka NAM Plank, later in my career when I was a Chief Petty Officer in the 90s. He had, somehow, re-qualified as a naval air mechanic and he was attached to 706 Naval Air Squadron and to my maintenance crew. He needed constant supervision and often was happy to do menial jobs like cleaning and sweeping up after work. People still whispered, that he was the famous NAM Plank.
One day, the Fleet Air Arm Flight Safety team arrived on the base of HMS SEAHAWK, filming for their next flight safety symposium. They arrived on the squadron wanting to film an incident caused by someone leaving rags down an engine intake and Phil volunteered to be the person who did it. After all he was the guy who did it all those years ago. No other fool was going to take away his starring role.
Immediately, the film director said no! That they didn’t want someone with a beard, as he had grown one by that time.
The very next day, Phil turned up having shaved off his beard and he got the job. Nobody could take the place of NAM Plank! - Actually, nobody else in the right mind wanted to be seen on a film that would be watched by the whole Fleet Air Arm!
The week of the filming went on and an admiral visited the squadron and was talking to the Air Engineering Officer about Phil - “I’m sorry you got my son on your squadron” said the Admiral.
This now made so much sense how Phil survived in the RN and was not dismissed for his inadequacies.
I wonder what he did after he eventually came out. How long he served and whether he made another career. Perhaps he had heroes that he thought he could emulate.
After all it’s not what you know, it’s who you know - sometimes fools do rush in where angels fear to tread - does this scenario sound similar to anyone you know or have read about ?
Poem
I’m a celebrity, keep me in here !
The truth is I am, in fact, super thick
But I have this amazing marvellous trick
If I make a mistake, I get to do something else
Put on my gaiters and polish my belts
Reporting the ratings entering Daedalus gates
Not caring a jot about not having mates
I’ve had a career, and been a star of the screen
Caused havoc and mayhem to many a team
Made it all through training, basic and enhanced
Went out in the field, but never advanced
As an aircraft maintainer, I’m dangerous for sure
I’m better off cleaning and sweeping the floor
For years, I’ve been considered a miracle, a myth
When my dad has helped me make such a diff
I’ve been labelled, enabled and ships might have sank
If I had risen to the heights of my fathers high rank
That I made it through Raleigh, Daedalus and Osprey
Back-classed and fined and stood guard all day
My heroes are similar to me and of course misbehave
Outrageously, contagiously with Covid to save
Like Hancock, and Johnson their achievements are great
I’d like a a “Beer Gate”, or a “Beard Gate”, to manage my fate
So, off comes the beard, no more lies or denials
I’m someone who has over time, faced many bad trials
My name is Phil, NAM PLANK and there’s not much more I can say but….
“Dad, can you make me Prime Minister, like Boris, one day?”